I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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