Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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