Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
