I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
