my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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