woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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