She's JV to your varsity
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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