I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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