what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
