i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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