which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
