it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
