Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
