the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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