So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my liver is dry heaving
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
