like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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