I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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