I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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