i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
time to smoke my breakfast
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
