I just gift wrapped bread.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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