New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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