we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
