I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
