Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
