just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
