Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize