my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
