I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
