i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
