I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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