I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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