Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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