4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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