I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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