i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
