She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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