I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
