apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You took a bar mat shot.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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