my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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