I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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