If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
