I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
