I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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