I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I love having hate sex.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
