Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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