I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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