you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
