The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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