i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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