so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
