I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
