She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Blow job season was short but glorious.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
