you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
