I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
