She is in my trunk
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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