I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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