Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
