Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
