I can feel you judging me through the phone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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