I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
