Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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