I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
